A Prayer That Surprised Me

Thank you for being part of our journey. I've been processing some more. God has been leading me into somewhere deeper.

After the last post, I've been praying more for the house. In one of the prayer times, a prayer came out that surprised me. "God, take my shame away." So I started to think: what am I ashamed of? I didn't know. So I tried to look at it.

When I look at my heart, this is the shame: I could have done better. I could have saved more. I could have fundraised more. I could have communicated better. I have no shortage of shortcomings, and the list goes on and on and on. And I have to deal with it.

So I become a time of repentance, and I know that asking forgiveness also means I am willing to change. I had to remind myself I will be generous with my time and energy to others; I will not worry but obey what God is saying. Do my due diligence and, most importantly, trust God. I know it is simple stuff, but at times I have not done these very well. It was an amazing time with God. I am still chewing on it.

At the end of that prayer time, I gave Him my shame and my mistakes, whatever they are. And in that grace, I am grateful for whatever I am. Further, deeper, that led me to this: it actually doesn't really matter whether I get the house or not. If somehow we are able to buy the house, it will be by the grace of God; if we are not able to buy the house, we will be living by the grace of God. That's what I've been praying for.

It has been a wonderful journey, realising how much shame I carry. When I shared this with Elli for the first time, somehow there was a shift in my heart.

So I want to be clear with you who are praying with us. I'm not praying for a house because I deserve it. This is not a special prize for what I have done. I pray this process will glorify God and be a testimony to God's goodness.

Would you pray for me and my family? That we will be faithful, not worrying, but trusting God wholeheartedly.